By Michael Shermer

I don't know if this ad ran elsewhere, but on Monday, July 8, 2002, the "Moonies", AKA "The Family Federation for World Peace and Unification, Int'l." ran a full page advertisement in the first section of the Los Angeles Times, no cheap purchase. The title head reads "A Cloud of Witnesses: The Saints' Testimonies to the True Parents." The "parents" are the Reverend and Mrs. Sun Myung Moon, and the testimonies to them come from none other than (and I'm not making this up): Jesus, Peter, Paul, John Calvin, Martin Luther, John Wesley, St. Augustine, Confucius, Muhammad, and, as if these were not enough, Karl Marx, Lenin, Stalin, and Deng Xiao Ping (but no Mao)! I don't know if the Reverend Moon used James Van Praagh and John Edward to contact these folks to get their testimonies, but they are rather amusing. Here are just a few highlights (including their channeled dates), including my two favorites, the last being from Mr. Big Himself:

Jesus: "Reverend Sun Myung Moon! You are the Second Coming who inaugurated the Completed Testament Age! The 120 people, who have brought light to the history of Christianity pledge to take part in all that the True Parents do. They resolve to strive toward the ideal, the original garden where there is no original sin. They will achieve this through the guidance, the words of the Completed Testament, and the Unification principle of the Savior and Messiah: the Reverend Sun Myung Moon." (12/19/2001)

Martin Luther: "I believe that God is the Parent of humankind. I believe that Reverend Sun Myung Moon is the Lord of the Second Advent. I proudly proclaim that the Unification Principle is the new gospel for humanity. I, Martin Luther, pledge that I will believe in these truths, and live a life of attendance, to become a pioneer for humanity."

My second favorite testimony is from Stalin, who has apparently decided that all that godless communism stuff was all wrong:

Stalin: "Friends in Communist countries, I am Stalin. You have had wrong thinking. As the way you are going is not the way you should go, you must turn to the right path as soon as possible. One's life on the Earth determines the place one will live in the heavenly world. ... Please receive the will of Reverend Moon completely, open your minds and build churches for the worship of God and hold worship services. Reverend Moon reflects the image of God, even though he is a man, and he is struggling intensely to save Communist countries. His thought is messianic, especially for the communist countries. You must receive his ideology of peace immediately. I, the dictator who denied God, cry out to all the Communist countries in the Earth. Please believe in God and seek for Him." (4/19/2002)

If all this wasn't ridiculous enough, here is the final testimony that really takes the cake:

A Letter from God

Dear Beloved True Parents,

I am the God of all people. You, the True Parents, have now succeeded in everything and have raised everything to its true level. So you are now the Savior, messiah and King of Kings of all of humanity!

[This one goes on and on for a dozen paragraphs, ending]:

I, the God of all people, have faith. I believe in the True Parents. I know and remember all the difficulties, pain and suffering that you have had to endure. I have seen it all. It was all my responsibility, yet you endured and raised a victorious standard. How can I ever forget you? I am grateful ... My beloved True Parents, victory to you! Victory to the Saviors of humanity! Victory to the King of Kings. True Parents!

I, the God of all people, sincerely convey this to my beloved True Parents.

Midnight, December 28, 2001


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