Frank Zappa Quotations

"Tax the FUCK out of the churches!"
-- Frank Zappa

"Beware of the fish people, they are the true enemy."
-- Frank Zappa, speech to a pro-choice rally in Los Angeles around 1989-90

"The language and concepts contained herein are guaranteed not to cause
eternal torment in the place where the guy with the horns and pointed stick
conducts his business."
-- Frank Zappa

"I don't think there's a problem. First of all, I don't think music turns people
into social liabilities. Because you hear a lyric -- there's no medical proof
that a person hearing a lyric is going to act out the lyric. There's also no
medical proof that if you hear any collection of vowels and consonants, that
the hearing of that collection is going to send you to Hell."
-- Frank Zappa, interview, WRIF, 1985

"It has never mattered to me that thirty million people might think I'm wrong.
The number of people who thought Hitler was right did not make him right...
Why do you necessarily have to be wrong just because a few million people
think you are?"
-- Frank Zappa, quoted from The Real Frank Zappa Book

"Well, I believe that those energies and processes exist. I just don't think
that they've been adequately described or adequately named yet, because
people are too willing to make it all into something that supports a
religious theory of one flavor or another. If you start defining these
things in nuts-and-bolts scientific terms, people reject it because it's not
fun, y'know. It takes some of the romance out of being dead ... because of
people's desires to have eternal life and to extend their influence from
beyond the grave ... all that Houdini type stuff ... but basically, I think
when you're dead ... you're dead. It comes with the territory."
-- Frank Zappa, Society Pages No. 7, January 12, 1991, quoted from The Way I See It

"Barry, there is no hell. There is only France."
-- Frank Zappa, You Can't Do That On Stage Anymore

"The other factor that people forget about the southern region is the amount
of intermarriage that has already occurred there, and so there are certain
genetic defects come to the fore when you have a large intermarriage
population. That means regression.... And in fact Utah is another state,
which is basically owned by the Mormon church, which also has a lot of
intermarriage. And because this type of intermarriage there is a large
proportion of blind people in Utah. That's why when you go across the street
instead of just a stop light that you can see, they have stop lights that
make a coocoo noise to tell you when to cross the street -- that's true!"
-- Frank Zappa, Arf Society interview, quoted from The Way I See It

"Barry, remember there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over."
-- Frank Zappa

"The whole foundation of Christianity is based on the idea that
intellectualism is the work of the Devil. Remember the apple on the tree?
Okay, it was the Tree of Knowledge. "You eat this apple, you're going to be
as smart as God. We can't have that."
-- Frank Zappa

The essence of Christianity is told us in the Garden of Eden history. The
fruit that was forbidden was on the Tree of Knowledge. The subtext is, All
the suffering you have is because you wanted to find out what was going on.
You could be in the Garden of Eden if you had just kept your fucking mouth
shut and hadn't asked any questions."
-- Frank Zappa, interview, Playboy, May 2, 1993

"So, when Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden, if you go for all these
fairy tales, that "evil" woman convinced the man to eat the apple, but the
apple came from the Tree of Knowledge. And the punishment that was then
handed down, the woman gets to bleed and the guy's got to go to work, is the
result of a man desiring, because his woman suggested that it would be a
good idea, that he get all the knowledge that was supposedly the property
and domain of God. So, that right away sets up Christianity as an
anti-intellectual religion. You never want to be that smart. If you're a
woman, it's going to be running down your leg, and if you're a guy, you're
going to be in the salt mines for the rest of your life. So, just be a dumb
fuck and you'll all go to heaven. That's the subtext of Christianity."
-- Frank Zappa

"Anybody hear the great news, today? Jimmy Swaggart under investigation! Oh
Ja-eezus! One day every one of those cocksuckers will get caught! I
understand in the case of Mr. Swaggart, that he claims that it was not
multiple encounters with many prostitutes -- apparently, only one sweet
young thing. And he did tell Cal Thomas of the Moral Majority that the sex
act itself was not fully consummated. However he did admit to doing something
por-no-graphic with the girl. Let's use our imaginations, ladies and gentlemen.
-- Frank Zappa, opening remarks to "Stink Foot" at the Make A Jazz Noise

Here show, recorded in 1988 Get smart and I'll fuck you over -- sayeth The Lord."
-- Frank Zappa, regarding Christianity's perpetuation of ignorance as a way of life

"Children are na´ve -- they trust everyone. School is bad enough, but, if you
put a child anywhere in the vicinity of a church, you're asking for trouble."
-- Frank Zappa

"From the time Mr. Developing Nation was forced to read The Little Red
Book in exchange for a blob of rice, till the time he figured out that
waiting in line for a loaf of pumpernickel was boring as fuck, took about
three generations... Decades of indoctrination, manipulation,
censorship and KGB excursions haven't altered this fact: People want a
piece of their own little Something-or-Other, and, if they don't get it,
have a tendency to initiate counterrevolution."
-- Frank Zappa

"My best advice to anyone who wants to raise a happy, mentally healthy child
is: Keep him or her as far away from a church as you can."
-- Frank Zappa

"Yeah, I tell them to change the channel if they see some guy in a brown suit
with a telephone number at the bottom of the screen asking for money."
-- Frank Zappa, Senate Hearing on "Porn Rock", 1985, after being asked by
    Tipper Gore if there was anything on TV he didn't allow his kids to watch

"I think you should leave it up to the parent, because not all parents want
to keep their children totally ignorant."
-- Frank Zappa, in response to a question from Senator Hollings

"If your children ever find out how lame you really are, they're gonna murder
you in your sleep."
-- Frank Zappa, quoted from Whole Grains, an early 1970's book of quotations

"Why doncha come on over to the house and I'll show 'em to ya?"
-- Frank Zappa, on being asked by Sen. Paula Hawkins from Florida, "I'd like
    to see what kind of toys your children play with," at the Senate hearing on
    pornography in music.

"Consider for a moment any beauty in the name Ralph."
-- Frank Zappa, on being asked by Joan Rivers why he gave his children such odd
    names People make a lot of fuss about my kids having such supposedly 'strange names'

"But the fact is that no matter what first names I might have given
them, it is the last name that is going to get them in trouble."
-- Frank Zappa, from The Real Frank Zappa Book

"The last election just laid the foundation of the next 500 years of Dark Ages."
-- Frank Zappa, in 1981 Let's not be too tough on our own ignorance.

"It's the thing that makes America great. If America weren't incomparably ignorant,
how could we have tolerated the last eight years?"
-- Frank Zappa, in 1988 Scientology

"How about that? You hold on to the tin cans and then this guy
asks you a bunch of questions, and if you pay enough money you get to join
the master race. How's that for a religion?"
-- Frank Zappa, to a concert audience at the Rockpile, Toronto, May 1969

"There are more love songs than anything else. If songs could make you do
something we'd all love one another."
-- Frank Zappa, quoted from Cyber Nation's quotations section

"I wrote a song about dental floss but did anyone's teeth get cleaner?"
-- Frank Zappa, Senate Hearing on "Porn Rock", 1985, in response to Tipper
    Gore's allegations that music incites people towards deviant behavior, or
    influences their behavior in general.

"Bad facts make bad law, and people who write bad laws are in my opinion more
dangerous than songwriters who celebrate sexuality."
-- Frank Zappa, Statement to the Senate Hearing on "Porn Rock," 1985

"The establishment of a rating system, voluntary or otherwise, opens the door
to an endless parade of moral quality control programs based on things
certain Christians do not like. What if the next bunch of Washington wives
demands a large yellow "J" on all material written or performed by Jews, in
order to save helpless children from exposure to concealed Zionist doctrine?"
-- Frank Zappa, Statement to the Senate Hearing on "Porn Rock," 1985

"There is no such thing as a dirty word. Nor is there a word so powerful,
that it's going to send the listener to the lake of fire upon hearing it."
-- Frank Zappa

"Information doesn't kill you."
-- Frank Zappa, at the Senate Hearing on "Porn Rock", 1985 during an
    exchange with a Born Again Christian

"May your shit come to life and kiss you on the face."
-- Frank Zappa, to Mrs. Gore about parental advisory labels on album covers

"You can't always write a chord ugly enough to say what you want to say, so
sometimes you have to rely on a giraffe filled with whipped cream."
-- Frank Zappa, promotional postcard from Rykodisc

"Anyone who is disturbed by the idea of newts in a nightclub is potentially dangerous."
-- Frank Zappa, at one of his trials, responding to a prosecuting lawyer who
    had quoted some of his lyrics which pertained to newts in a nightclub, after
    which which the lawyer said he found this image disturbing

"You've got to be digging it while it's happening 'cause it just might be a one shot deal."
-- Frank Zappa, Waka/Jawaka

"If you wind up with a boring, miserable life because you listened to your
mom, your dad, your teacher, your priest or some guy on TV telling you how
to do your shit, then YOU DESERVE IT."
-- Frank Zappa, The Real Frank Zappa Book

"Whatever you have to do to have a good time, let's get on with it, so long
as it doesn't cause a murder."
-- Frank Zappa

"So long as somebody gets a laugh out of it, what the fuck?"
-- Frank Zappa, Guitar Player's "Mother of All Interviews" part 2

"The crux of the biscuit is: If it entertains you, fine. Enjoy it. If it
doesn't, then blow it out your ass. I do it to amuse myself. If I like it, I
release it. If somebody else likes it, that's a bonus."
-- Frank Zappa, interview, Playboy, May 2, 1993

"It's fucking great to be alive, ladies and gentlemen, and if you do not
believe it is fucking great to be alive, you better go now, because this
show will bring you down so much."
-- Frank Zappa, from Just Another Band From L.A.

"The whole Universe is a large joke. Everything in the Universe are just
subdivisions of this joke. So why take anything too serious?"
-- Frank Zappa, in September, 1992, on SFB 3

"Well Mike, I'm abnormal."
-- Frank Zappa, on being asked by Mike Douglas (he appeared solo, playing
    guitar with recorded backup): "Your latest album is called Zoot Allures --
    how do you come up with such names for your records?"

"Nobody looks good with brown lipstick on."
-- Frank Zappa, from The Real Frank Zappa Book

"I never set out to be weird. It was always the other people who called me weird."
-- Frank Zappa, to The Baltimore Sun, October 12, 1986

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